One typical respondent, President Barack Obama, said he found it hard to trust the judgment of U.S. citizens after recent events, including their decision to elect a president who promised health care reform and then come out against health care reform.

"How can I have hope for a nation that regularly protests tax cuts that directly benefit them?" Obama said. "Look, I'm not always perfect at my job, either, but I think I could make a halfway coherent comment on a YouTube video if I had to. Isn't that basically all they do?

Added Obama, "At this point, the only positive thing I can say about the American people is that I'm pretty sure they've never rigged an election in their favor."

"Twitter was intended to be a way for vacant, self-absorbed egotists to share their most banal and idiotic thoughts with anyone pathetic enough to read them," said a visibly confused Dorsey, claiming that Twitter is at its most powerful when it makes an already attention-starved populace even more needy for constant affirmation.

"In the information age, it is easier than ever to gather knowledge about things that should not be but nonetheless are, and such wisdom could prepare our students to be better citizens amid the ruins of sunken cities infested with swarms of ravenous, bloated rats," West said. "Also, I believe that birth control should not be distributed by the guidance counselor."

"My husband and I have been trying for months, but so far, we've been unable to have an iPhone," town assemblywoman Janet Nuetreer said. "But if we did, we would understand that there is nothing more important. Every iPhone is a gift from God."

Mr. Stewart has said he is looking forward to the end of the Bush administration “as a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal.”

If papyrus font hadn't been used in this film, I would have liked it.

We were like two love prospectors who discovered richer and richer veins of pure ecstasy. We would bump and grind in the dimly lit tunnels as shining white donkeys would carry wagons of our love to be washed off and then smelted down into fine pieces of jewelry, which I would place on your naked chocolate body while you slept. When you awoke, we would freak again.

...

I would, at this point, like to ask any women that I am currently dating to stop reading this column.

Why it's simply an outrage—a crime, you must judge!—
To crap on my books with this big-budget sludge.
My books are for children to learn ones and twos in,
Not commercialous slop for Jim Carrey to ruin.