Nuggets of Onion Goodness

[walbourn]

Smoove Is Waiting [wwww.theonion.com]

We were like two love prospectors who discovered richer and richer veins of pure ecstasy. We would bump and grind in the dimly lit tunnels as shining white donkeys would carry wagons of our love to be washed off and then smelted down into fine pieces of jewelry, which I would place on your naked chocolate body while you slept. When you awoke, we would freak again.

...

I would, at this point, like to ask any women that I am currently dating to stop reading this column.

Stop Making Movies About My Books by Dr. Seuss [www.theonion.com]

Why it's simply an outrage—a crime, you must judge!—
To crap on my books with this big-budget sludge.
My books are for children to learn ones and twos in,
Not commercialous slop for Jim Carrey to ruin.