Heading "home" to Seattle...

In every vacation, there is a last day and today is it for this trip. I've managed to hit all my fav restaurants, visit with a number of old friends--though not all of the ones I'd like to have seen--, and got to spend a few days warm for a change and not too damn hot or cold or wet. I've tasted the tastes of the place I called home for most of my life: salsa, tortillas, watermelon... all things that just don't taste the same up in Seattle. I've relived the small pleasures of knowing a place and people for many long years. At the same time, I feel the ghosts I tried to leave behind and find myself wondering in the back of my mind how I'd feel or what I'd say if I were to run into Kim while I was here. The bitterness I feel is as strong as the love I fought for so many years ago, and I'm so tired of living steeped in it.

My little apartment in Redmond is my home now. My cat is there, my belongings, my livelihood, and I hope the seed of a new happier life. I've given so many years of my life doing the 'right thing' when it comes to my relationships, all in the name of love and being responsible in the hope it would bring me lasting joy in return. Now I've given up the fabric of my life in Austin, the support network of friendships and familiarity of place, in the hope of finding that joy. It still seems a lifetime away, and I long for some touch, some comfort, some light of love to return.

So its goodbye again to my once well-loved town. Goodbye to the friends, flavors, and lost loves. I've got bills to pay, errands to do, doctors appointments to make, a cat to feed, and the small distractions and joys I've managed to find in my year and a half in Seattle...

In other news, the second Living Greyhawk game went off last night, but it was a mixed experience. Still, it was nice to see a few local gamer buddies. I might be back for Protocon in September, but otherwise I'm not coming back to Texas until the Winter holiday break.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig...

Made it home just fine. A big thanks to loree for yet another round-trip airport shuttle, a place to park my car, and cat sitting for Koshka while I'm out of town!

I'm really damn tired. Not only have the usual jet-lag from flying all day across two time zones, I didn't really sleep well at all the nights I was in Austin: strange bed, Angela's as-little-AC-as-possible policy, cardinal singing next to my tent all night at the campout, staying up late gaming and hanging out at the revel fire, and generally being wound up and having weirdo dreams... Hopefully I'll manage more restful sleep tonight, although I suspect Koshka will be torturing me early in the AM due to the distinct lack of service the past few days.

Not much going on this week, although this coming weekend I plan to check out Vancouver B.C. ala the Cloud City gaming convention Saturday and Sunday.

Don't feel any of the homesickness this trip back to Texas that I did the last several. I think I managed to leave Austin before the real melancholy set back in, although some of that old habit and bitterness definitely started to creep back into my consciousness. Sad really, especially since *everyone* else involved as long since moved on: Kim has shacked up with some guy she's been seeing for over a year, Kim's ex Greg has Janice (the girl he left Kim for), Prem (the guy Kim left me for) is marrying some other woman, Angela (my ex) has been living with Bryce for years, and the best I managed in all that time was a few 'umm... we're friends' casual relationships and a few short months in Austin and a month of days in weekend visits to Portland with Andrea (which was the first girl since Kim I really fell in love with).

I didn't want to jump into another relationship and have it burdened by the baggage of my heavy heart, and that fear of getting hurt in part reinforced Andrea's fears that I didn't really love her. So much lost time, and I got nothing really to show for all those years of effort except a keen awareness of what I lost, what I want, and painful lessons in how love alone isn't enough...

So I spent four plus years being bitter and heartbroken... Really, I'm much better now... :/