walbourn

"I'll say goodbye before I wake
and all you need to know is I'm done with pain
forced to deny this heart's true faith
and thankful to god there's a hope for change" -- Fisher Heavens Time

It's official... I've been unemployed too damn long. I ran out of productive home projects and the desire to just sit around and veg after ten days. I'm now on day 27. My sleep schedule is officially FUBAR because I have no motivation to go to bed or to wake up at a reasonable hour.

The job search is going slow. I heard back from the interview two weeks ago and got a pass as I suspected. All my first round leads have resulted in passes, no response, or 'try back in a few weeks to a month'. I was hoping to have a start date by Oct 1, but I'm not sure that goal is turning out to be realistic.

I've been spending a lot of my evening and weekend time gaming, but mostly because the local gamer groups seem to be in a fervor with preparations for conventions and game days. It's enjoyable and a good cheap way to get out of the house, but it isn't a life by any stretch of the imagination. Fun yes. A route to social and emotional fulfillment it is not.

Still, as tenuous as my grasp on a life and social network here, it beats the heck out of starting over. I only moved here just over 2 years ago and I'd really rather not have to relocate again so soon. Returning to Austin will allow me to reconnect with a lot of friends, but also put me back into an environment full of painful memories. Besides, with the exception of a lack of Tex-Mex... I like it here in the Pacific Northwest.

When I was unemployed two years ago, it was incredibly emotionally stressful. Moving to Seattle without a job was a huge leap of faith for me. I wasn't going to have the constant companionship of Andrea to buffer the move, although the thought of building a future with her was a major motivation for an optimistic outlook. Moving also meant starting over completely in a town where I knew no one, letting go of any remaining hope for Kim, and going into a situation where I had no backup plan and no clear idea of how things would work out.

This time around I'm less depressed on the whole, although I'm a lot more lonely. I don't have the respite of a lover in Portland. At least the local job market isn't the wasteland it was two years ago. I'm not in the best financial shape, but I'm a bit more prepared this time around than last and having gone through it once, it isn't as fearful an experience.

Still, unemployment means too damn much free time where I have to ignore my habit to dwell on past loves, past glories, and the loneliness of the moment. I have a hard time envisioning a future from here since I have so little clarity, but I'm trying to have hope that somehow it will all turn out OK... and before I'm too damn old or cold-hearted to enjoy it.

Editor's Note: That said, I'm very grateful to my Seattle friends for their company and generally being cool people. Thanks. And a special thanks to