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Jun. 19th, 2003 12:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
walbournI still remember the first night I spent alone in my little apartment in Austin. Trying to hold on to Kim had broken my heart, my company had gone out of business and I was back to being a full-time student for a semester, I had just seperated from Angela, and it was just me and a cat. I felt heartbroken... beaten... lost... I loved Angela, but I didn't have the energy left for our marriage. I barely had the strength to keep breathing, going to work, paying the bills. My life was all about responsibility, commitments, following through what I had started. There was no joy, no meaning, no purpose to life. I didn't even have hope anymore.
If I could have chosen anything in the world, my heart would have chosen a chance at a real full-time relationship with Kim because it was always a half-life. I wanted more than anything to let the feelings I had for her grow into something of relevance. My mind knew that was impossible. She wasn't ready, I wasn't ready, and frankly she had lost all hope a year before. Part of me wished I could have unmade my feelings for her... they served no purpose at all except to remind me of how much I lost, how much I had to give and couldn't, how much I had invested.
So I've tried to put my life back in order without joy, without meaning, without purpose. My futile attempt to capture the dream of a life with Kim has cost me my marriage, four+ years of misery, and indirectly fed Andrea's loss of faith in our relationship, not to mention our friendship. Yet part of me still loves Kim, still hangs on to the embers of her memory. Each year it grows more obvious how ridiculous it is to hold on to that hope when it is clear there is none. It only feeds my bitterness at her happiness, her new life, her freedom bought at so high and personal a price.
Yet all those memories still stir in my brain... coming to the surface in the quiet of the night as I yet again climb into an empty bed, curl up to a pillow, pet the cat, and try to clear my mind of all the thoughts of the day and the angst of a life I often feel is barren and bereft of meaning.
I realize if it ever had meaning I had made it up in my head when I had things I valued in my life, and it can have meaning again if I could allow myself to see it. While I value my career, my house, my friends, my hobbies, I always defined myself by my love-life. Those scars hold me back and from trusting in love again. While it is something I can't live without, I fear to even desire it again, to give it so much power to fly me to the highest peaks and to dash me down against them.
Falling in love with Andrea had made me happy for the first time in many years, and working towards a life with her gave me some purpose, some concrete thing to believe in again, something to chart a course through life by... But fate, economic reality, and personal history made short work of that calm and peace. Never the easy path for me I suppose...
I can only try to blank my mind, to not dwell on how empty I feel or to wonder too much about the women I loved and love. Try not to imagine them in the arms of new lovers, sleeping soundly and peacefully as I remember them sleeping in mine. I only wish them well and that I could find some small measure of happiness for myself...
If I could have chosen anything in the world, my heart would have chosen a chance at a real full-time relationship with Kim because it was always a half-life. I wanted more than anything to let the feelings I had for her grow into something of relevance. My mind knew that was impossible. She wasn't ready, I wasn't ready, and frankly she had lost all hope a year before. Part of me wished I could have unmade my feelings for her... they served no purpose at all except to remind me of how much I lost, how much I had to give and couldn't, how much I had invested.
So I've tried to put my life back in order without joy, without meaning, without purpose. My futile attempt to capture the dream of a life with Kim has cost me my marriage, four+ years of misery, and indirectly fed Andrea's loss of faith in our relationship, not to mention our friendship. Yet part of me still loves Kim, still hangs on to the embers of her memory. Each year it grows more obvious how ridiculous it is to hold on to that hope when it is clear there is none. It only feeds my bitterness at her happiness, her new life, her freedom bought at so high and personal a price.
Yet all those memories still stir in my brain... coming to the surface in the quiet of the night as I yet again climb into an empty bed, curl up to a pillow, pet the cat, and try to clear my mind of all the thoughts of the day and the angst of a life I often feel is barren and bereft of meaning.
I realize if it ever had meaning I had made it up in my head when I had things I valued in my life, and it can have meaning again if I could allow myself to see it. While I value my career, my house, my friends, my hobbies, I always defined myself by my love-life. Those scars hold me back and from trusting in love again. While it is something I can't live without, I fear to even desire it again, to give it so much power to fly me to the highest peaks and to dash me down against them.
Falling in love with Andrea had made me happy for the first time in many years, and working towards a life with her gave me some purpose, some concrete thing to believe in again, something to chart a course through life by... But fate, economic reality, and personal history made short work of that calm and peace. Never the easy path for me I suppose...
I can only try to blank my mind, to not dwell on how empty I feel or to wonder too much about the women I loved and love. Try not to imagine them in the arms of new lovers, sleeping soundly and peacefully as I remember them sleeping in mine. I only wish them well and that I could find some small measure of happiness for myself...
