Morning thoughts
Dec. 9th, 2005 12:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
walbournI didn't really get into it in the previous post, but I fully acknowledge that the isolation I feel is in many ways a conscious choice. At first anything else hurt like hell, but over time I had come to enjoy the freedoms it brought. The time has been helpful for healing and reflection, as well as getting a bunch of things in my life under control (finished up school, paid off debts, therapy, etc).
After moving to Seattle and getting settled in, I'm trying to expand my social circle primarily. I'd like to find a full-time partnership again, but I don't want to rush things. Due to my temperament, I find that a lot of churn in my intimate relationships is emotionally damaging. I'm a bit gunshy as well, and perhaps a bit too cautious. I'm just not looking to trade in my solitude for a "drama-filled fuck-fest" (a phrase coined by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jeliza which I find quite amusing). Some drama is expected in life, but often drama is much easier to come by than a fulfilling relationship.
I'm also a bit cautious because I know that I don't really fit the assumptions most people have about a given social circle I might be in at the time. I'm a bit too weird for the 'mainstream', but don't fully fit into the subcultures I visit either. Eagerness is nice, but a bit worrisome in some contexts unless I actually get to know the person more. I'm trying really hard to avoid the "crazy", mostly because I know it's a serious weakness for me and not a particularly healthy one.
The whole thing is complicated by the particular age-group I fit into. Many people in their mid-30s have long-established partnerships in their lives. Certainly in the poly community this is not necessarily a barrier, but it does put constraints on things that one must weigh in choosing to pursue such a relationship. Most of the people I meet are outside that context as well. A lot of people who are single in their mid-30s are not single by choice, which itself brings with it a lot of baggage. Things were a lot easier back in college in my 20s, and developing the social skills to "date" when most of my past relationships grew out of friendships is a challenge all its own.
After moving to Seattle and getting settled in, I'm trying to expand my social circle primarily. I'd like to find a full-time partnership again, but I don't want to rush things. Due to my temperament, I find that a lot of churn in my intimate relationships is emotionally damaging. I'm a bit gunshy as well, and perhaps a bit too cautious. I'm just not looking to trade in my solitude for a "drama-filled fuck-fest" (a phrase coined by
jeliza which I find quite amusing). Some drama is expected in life, but often drama is much easier to come by than a fulfilling relationship.I'm also a bit cautious because I know that I don't really fit the assumptions most people have about a given social circle I might be in at the time. I'm a bit too weird for the 'mainstream', but don't fully fit into the subcultures I visit either. Eagerness is nice, but a bit worrisome in some contexts unless I actually get to know the person more. I'm trying really hard to avoid the "crazy", mostly because I know it's a serious weakness for me and not a particularly healthy one.
The whole thing is complicated by the particular age-group I fit into. Many people in their mid-30s have long-established partnerships in their lives. Certainly in the poly community this is not necessarily a barrier, but it does put constraints on things that one must weigh in choosing to pursue such a relationship. Most of the people I meet are outside that context as well. A lot of people who are single in their mid-30s are not single by choice, which itself brings with it a lot of baggage. Things were a lot easier back in college in my 20s, and developing the social skills to "date" when most of my past relationships grew out of friendships is a challenge all its own.
