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walbourn"and you kiss me like a lover
then you sting me like a viper
i go follow to the river
play your memory like a piper
and i feel it like a sickness
how this love is killing me"
-- ghost, Indigo Girls
I no longer feel homesick when I return to Texas to visit. There are many people here that I wish lived a lot closer, but in some ways even when I was living here in Austin I felt disconnected from them. I'm sure that is mostly a result of having spent my final years living here stuck in an isolating depression. While my connections in Seattle are different, I've reached the point where I know that my roots are there and not here. I'm thrilled that I got a chance to visit so many of my friends living here, even briefly, and I'm looking forward to returning over the winter holidays.
Kim's ghost still haunts me here more strongly in Austin than it does elsewhere. A little voice in my mind still has me looking over my shoulder even though I've not run into her once in four years of visits or even heard a single person mention her name to me or news of her in probably three years--perhaps a testimony about how little our worlds actually overlapped. I honestly don't even know if she still lives in Austin, if she is married and living in bliss with the child she had always wanted from Greg, or walking the streets as a crack whore. The truth is that no word of her can do anything to bring closure to her memory for me. I hope that someday I'll be able to have a rewarding partnership in my life again, and that then my subconscious will stop using Kim's memory to berate me about my loneliness.
then you sting me like a viper
i go follow to the river
play your memory like a piper
and i feel it like a sickness
how this love is killing me"
-- ghost, Indigo Girls
I no longer feel homesick when I return to Texas to visit. There are many people here that I wish lived a lot closer, but in some ways even when I was living here in Austin I felt disconnected from them. I'm sure that is mostly a result of having spent my final years living here stuck in an isolating depression. While my connections in Seattle are different, I've reached the point where I know that my roots are there and not here. I'm thrilled that I got a chance to visit so many of my friends living here, even briefly, and I'm looking forward to returning over the winter holidays.
Kim's ghost still haunts me here more strongly in Austin than it does elsewhere. A little voice in my mind still has me looking over my shoulder even though I've not run into her once in four years of visits or even heard a single person mention her name to me or news of her in probably three years--perhaps a testimony about how little our worlds actually overlapped. I honestly don't even know if she still lives in Austin, if she is married and living in bliss with the child she had always wanted from Greg, or walking the streets as a crack whore. The truth is that no word of her can do anything to bring closure to her memory for me. I hope that someday I'll be able to have a rewarding partnership in my life again, and that then my subconscious will stop using Kim's memory to berate me about my loneliness.
