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May. 27th, 2003 02:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
walbourn"turn down the lights turn down the bed
turn down these voices inside my head
lay down with me tell me no lies just hold me close
don't patronize don't patronize me
'cause I can't make you love me if you don't
you can't make your heart feel something it won't
here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
but you won't no you won't" -- Bonnie Raitt I Can't Make You Love Me
In my darker mood Sunday morning, I was trying to figure out what it is about how I feel about Kim and Andrea that still bothers me so damn much. So what if they don't have feelings for me anymore. It has been five years since Kim gave up and walked away from our relationship, and it has been well over a year since Andrea stopped seeing me. Still, it hurts me as much as it did the day I lost them. All the other immediate reactions of panic, jealousy, betrayal, anger, and heartbreak have faded but I still can't let go of wanting to know why and wishing that my feelings for them could be returned or at least accepted.
I certainly believe I was aware of those feelings when we were together, and not that I just made up some idealized image of what it was really like in retrospect to make myself more miserable. I may not have expressed it as fully with Andrea as I did with Kim, but I certainly tried to in a way that didn't overwhelm or understate those feelings. I try to focus on the difficult situations that made it impossible to for those relationships to reach the potential I felt in them, but that is cold comfort at best.
Kim once said that my gift was in making my passions real. At one time, she valued that and later questioned the purpose of our relationship given the messy situation. I can still feel that power, almost a tangible thing beating in my chest. Part of me still believes that love is never wrong and can be forever. Yet I can't feel any of the joy that it should bring me when they are so estranged from me. I can't turn off those feelings or close myself off to their ability to reach past my defenses, and even silence from them feels hurtful.
I struggled for years over how I can let go of Kim and still accept what I feel for her, and perhaps more importantly accept that those feelings serve no purpose anymore. I don't think I ever really figured out how, I simply had no choice in the situation. I feel much the same about Andrea these days. I just hope the experience with Andrea doesn't make me even more guarded and reluctant to love again.
turn down these voices inside my head
lay down with me tell me no lies just hold me close
don't patronize don't patronize me
'cause I can't make you love me if you don't
you can't make your heart feel something it won't
here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
but you won't no you won't" -- Bonnie Raitt I Can't Make You Love Me
In my darker mood Sunday morning, I was trying to figure out what it is about how I feel about Kim and Andrea that still bothers me so damn much. So what if they don't have feelings for me anymore. It has been five years since Kim gave up and walked away from our relationship, and it has been well over a year since Andrea stopped seeing me. Still, it hurts me as much as it did the day I lost them. All the other immediate reactions of panic, jealousy, betrayal, anger, and heartbreak have faded but I still can't let go of wanting to know why and wishing that my feelings for them could be returned or at least accepted.
I certainly believe I was aware of those feelings when we were together, and not that I just made up some idealized image of what it was really like in retrospect to make myself more miserable. I may not have expressed it as fully with Andrea as I did with Kim, but I certainly tried to in a way that didn't overwhelm or understate those feelings. I try to focus on the difficult situations that made it impossible to for those relationships to reach the potential I felt in them, but that is cold comfort at best.
Kim once said that my gift was in making my passions real. At one time, she valued that and later questioned the purpose of our relationship given the messy situation. I can still feel that power, almost a tangible thing beating in my chest. Part of me still believes that love is never wrong and can be forever. Yet I can't feel any of the joy that it should bring me when they are so estranged from me. I can't turn off those feelings or close myself off to their ability to reach past my defenses, and even silence from them feels hurtful.
I struggled for years over how I can let go of Kim and still accept what I feel for her, and perhaps more importantly accept that those feelings serve no purpose anymore. I don't think I ever really figured out how, I simply had no choice in the situation. I feel much the same about Andrea these days. I just hope the experience with Andrea doesn't make me even more guarded and reluctant to love again.
