Late Thoughts
Apr. 13th, 2005 11:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
walbourn"I hate love I really do
never works out quite the way I want it to
the trap gets set don't they know
the walls go up and then drama beings
it's all part of the show
but it's a wonderful thing when it's happening
and it's a wonderful thing when it's happening
I hate love I'll tell you the truth
I'll be the first one there to open up the way that I'm supposed to
but it's an empty room I'm all by myself
the other part of the equation comes and goes and never takes a step
but it's a wonderful thing when it's happening
heh it's a wonderful thing when it's happening
this is how it goes we're lovely, hollow souls
without love without love
we might as well give up
I hate love I really do
but there's something to be said for all the joy that came with you
and it's a wonderful thing when it's happening
yeah it's a wonderful thing when it's happening"
-- Wonderful Thing, Garrison Starr
I'm feeling a bit morose tonight I think because of reading about CMA Beltaine coming up this weekend back in Texas. I miss those events: the warm sunny days, spring's cool breezes, the friends, the sense of community. At the same time those events are filled with the ghosts of Kim, blissful highs, disappointing lows, and everywhere in-between.
The truth is there just isn't anything like it up here. I'm definitely going to make Summerstar this year, but it is only a few hundred people instead of a 1000 and I just don't have the roots of community here.
It's been coming up on four years since I moved to Seattle. It's been seven years since I stopped living with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
appleang. Longer since I felt whole, happy, and generally on-track with my life.
The reality is that I'm past the point where I'll buy the illusion that things will be fixed by having a partner in my life again. The heart-break over Kim shattered any belief I had in the idea that "love conquers all"--a bitter lesson for someone who is a romantic at heart. I still believe that love is important, something worth finding and nurturing, something that motivates us to be more than we are. But love doesn't heal all wounds, it doesn't remove the memory of past pains or make others do as we might wish, and it sure as hell doesn't warp the messy reality of timing.
Being an adult means giving up the comforts of such self-delusion, learning to accept the good and the bad without giving either undue attention or credence.
But damn do I miss that illusion. That sense of profound connection. The faith that come what may your love for them will endure, that they will love you in return, and that the love itself always has some meaning. At least I was right about one out of three.
never works out quite the way I want it to
the trap gets set don't they know
the walls go up and then drama beings
it's all part of the show
but it's a wonderful thing when it's happening
and it's a wonderful thing when it's happening
I hate love I'll tell you the truth
I'll be the first one there to open up the way that I'm supposed to
but it's an empty room I'm all by myself
the other part of the equation comes and goes and never takes a step
but it's a wonderful thing when it's happening
heh it's a wonderful thing when it's happening
this is how it goes we're lovely, hollow souls
without love without love
we might as well give up
I hate love I really do
but there's something to be said for all the joy that came with you
and it's a wonderful thing when it's happening
yeah it's a wonderful thing when it's happening"
-- Wonderful Thing, Garrison Starr
I'm feeling a bit morose tonight I think because of reading about CMA Beltaine coming up this weekend back in Texas. I miss those events: the warm sunny days, spring's cool breezes, the friends, the sense of community. At the same time those events are filled with the ghosts of Kim, blissful highs, disappointing lows, and everywhere in-between.
The truth is there just isn't anything like it up here. I'm definitely going to make Summerstar this year, but it is only a few hundred people instead of a 1000 and I just don't have the roots of community here.
It's been coming up on four years since I moved to Seattle. It's been seven years since I stopped living with
appleang. Longer since I felt whole, happy, and generally on-track with my life.The reality is that I'm past the point where I'll buy the illusion that things will be fixed by having a partner in my life again. The heart-break over Kim shattered any belief I had in the idea that "love conquers all"--a bitter lesson for someone who is a romantic at heart. I still believe that love is important, something worth finding and nurturing, something that motivates us to be more than we are. But love doesn't heal all wounds, it doesn't remove the memory of past pains or make others do as we might wish, and it sure as hell doesn't warp the messy reality of timing.
Being an adult means giving up the comforts of such self-delusion, learning to accept the good and the bad without giving either undue attention or credence.
But damn do I miss that illusion. That sense of profound connection. The faith that come what may your love for them will endure, that they will love you in return, and that the love itself always has some meaning. At least I was right about one out of three.
