Summerstar

Had a good time at Summerstar this weekend. It was held down near the Columbia River and was a nice, if primitive, venue. The event is kept to less than 200 people, but it was a goodly-sized event for the Pacific Northwest. It turned out there were a few attendees I knew from the Poly Thirdplace crowd, but for the most part they were all new people primarily from the Olympia and Portland area with a goodly number of Seattle folk. No new friends per se, but a number of new acquaintances that might turn into friendships after a few more years of events--gotta love the snails-pace process of expanding one's social network here. I did get a chance to get to know a few of those poly folk better, which was a good experience.

The main ritual was awesome. I enjoy pagan rits on a basic level for the most part, but this was one of the first that I really connected with. I think that was because we had a light rain and some wind during the ritual, and it was really very cool. All rituals have earth and fire well represented, but really getting water and/or air into the act is not common at all and clearly something that has been missing for me. There was also a strong musical element to the ritual with a really good drum circle for getting into and out of circle and during part of it as well.

Sadly, no 'nekkid' pagan chicks since it was a state park with no public nudity allowed, but a fair number of attractive lithe (and *totally* unattainable) dancers both nights around the campfire. I'm glad I went for myself and had no illusions about being on my own the majority of the time--although it would be nice to have some illusions that might change sometime soon. Actually, knowing pretty much nobody made it easier for me to relax and join in on the dancing myself... It was a very fun and relaxing experience.

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Obession

"obsession / noun
1 : a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling; broadly : compelling motivation
2 : something that causes an obsession"

I know I have a tendency for obsession... It is part of my mental process. In some ways, the same tendencies that make me a focused worker, intellectually capable, a compassionate and empathetic person, a giving partner and lover, and other positive traits also bring me a lot of pain and make it difficult for me to cope with certain situations. Sometimes those that I'm in relationship with feel like I no longer care for them when my focus is drawn elsewhere for a time. I'm not a jealous person by nature, but often find myself suffering the sting of replacement and envy for the comforts others can take for granted. I'm not a needy person by nature, but I find myself so desperately lonely these days.

I believe healing comes with self-awareness, and I strive for that in my life. I seek for a healthy love in my life, not a co-dependant mire. I try to embrace the ideals of romantic love that truly speak to me, but temper them with honesty and communication. I don't expect to be handed a happy life on a silver platter, and I am more than willing to do the work to get there. Still, it is a difficult path to walk and requires someone who shares some of that perspective for a relationship to be successful in the ways I desire...

My perspective on love has not always served me well. Once could argue it never has, but I don't believe that is true. I've always tried to follow my heart and my true will, keeping to the morals I value. Sometimes I have stumbled, and many times I've been misunderstood. Too often I've been willing to give my heart quickly and completely, and now I'm afraid I'm too guarded. Finding a healthy balance is tough, and each new wound brings another scar.

I want a long-term relationship with those I love. I realize things change, and growth requires both loss and hard work. I guess I just haven't been lucky in terms of situations, and perhaps just unlucky to have found myself attracted to women who could not truly return my love for whatever reason. I don't ask for the illusion of permanency, I just want an equal partnership. I guess too many people need that illusion, and take my desire to dispel it and replace it with something more genuine as a lack of true feelings. That in itself is ironic as most of my friends think of me as one of the most empathetic and emotionally available males they know.

I don't want to love someone who cannot return that love, but I cannot undo my feelings either. I try to grieve the loss and move on, and still find a way to hang on the positive essence of those loves. Doing so when so few of my emotional needs are meet by my current living condition is much, much harder to achieve. It is difficult to see so much potential, and know that it is only in my mind's eye and nowhere else. Ultimately, love requires faith and that faith must be shared by more than one and I cannot instill or nurture that faith. It simply exists in another or it doesn't. Perhaps that is the hardest and most painful lesson I've learned.

Editors Note: I think the difference between obsession and devotion is primarily a matter of intent and reception. Unwanted, ill-conceived, or unhealthy devotion becomes obsession...

Melissa Etheridge Report

I doubt there is anyone in my LJ friends-list as rabid a fan of MLE as I (although I suspect tavalon and jeliza would give it the 'old college try'), but I did say I'd post more about the MLE concert @ the Pier last week...

When I went to her concert last year at the St Michelle Winery, it was mostly 'lesbians in gortex' sipping wine, eating cheese, and sitting on neat little folded tarps with their lawn chairs. The fact that it was an outdoor venue in the fall meant it was primarily hardcore fans, and in fact it was raining the majority of the set. Lots of sing-along participation, great energy as I have come to expect.

The Pier attracted a much more mainstream audience. It was her first date of the summer tour and she hadn't been on tour for nine months, so there was lots and LOTS of her famous babbling. It was cute as always. She had a new headset mic that caused her to fidget for the first half of the concert, and the venue's view of the sunset distracted her a few times during her set. She played a mix of old 'classics' from her self-titled and Brave & Crazy, a fair number of songs from her latest album Skin, and a few from other albums.

She started right at 8pm--tavalon and I showed up near the end of the opening act around 7:30p. She played through the first encore ending right at 2 hours, then came back again for another song or two. Her shows have a predictableness to them with the songs she plays, and the woman is prompt. Still, fans always get a great show from her...

The mainstream nature of the audience was telling when she did her usual solo-acoustic number while her band took a break. She did You Can Sleep While I Drive and I think I was the only one singing along. In a hardcore audience, its an audience participation number ala Indigo Girls. Then again, I wasn't in the expensive reserved seats in the first dozen rows, so maybe that's where all the hardcore fans were.

She also did a song from her up-coming album, which sounds a lot like her older stuff so I'm really looking forward to it. Angsty, love-obsessed, hopeful romantic song like the 'old days'. She also mentioned that her label is re-releasing her original self-titled debut album, along with some live tracks.

All in all, a great venue and a great show. No piano on stage, so she skipped the cover of Weakness In Me, which is one of my all-time favorite songs, but definitely enjoyable. I kinda missed the hardcore lesbian fan energy, but at least most people seemed to be into the show...