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Apr. 30th, 2003 11:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
walbournI'm so tired of coming home to an empty house. This is no healthy way for me to live constantly longing for love, for connection, for meaning in my life and yet having to swallow it all and just live without. All the longing, all the pain, all the bitter resentment of being given up on by Kim and the gall of her treating me like I should just accept being "friends", the sting of having Andrea giving up and covering over a relationship based on honest communication with accusations and misinterpretation, the anguish of knowing that everyone else has moved on, found new loves, yet still I am here without a moment's peace save the quiet of ignoring it all.
I want so much to accept what I have and find joy in the future instead of longing for the past, but I can't make myself feel something that isn't here. I've had a few relationships on an off over the years, but really Andrea is the only one I felt the chemistry and bond that for me leads to love. I wish it wasn't so hard to find, that Kim or Andrea even understood how hard it is for me to find that, how much I long for it, how much I lost for their faithlessness and their need to run away from their past and the reflections of it they projected onto me.
If I can't have love in my life, if it is simply not appointed for me, why do I long for it so much? Why is it so much to ask for to be loved in return for the love I give, to be given a situation that isn't doomed from the start? I can honestly say that in the past two years, all I truly wanted was to be with Andrea, to have gainful employment and a love I could call my own. I didn't want to spend my life longing for the love I lost, for the women Kim was in the moments when she wasn't trying to push me away, for fame and fortune, for things beyond my reach. Andrea made me remember how much love I have to give, that my heart could feel more than bitterness and isolation, that I didn't want some perfect abstract angel, but the simple joys of a soulmate, a companion, someone with an investment in my life and mine in hers.
The sorrow I feel at losing yet another chance at real love is indescribable. It has been almost exactly a year since she walked away from me and yet I can't stop crying at the memory of being with her. I'll ignore it for months, try to put it behind me and simply accept that I'm alone again, and then some small detail will remind me of how much I hate life without her. I know we had only a few months of real full-time relationship, and only a few weekends a month for the next year, but I had put so much hope into it and it all came crashing down with a single phone call "I don't think we should see each other for a while..." She had found someone else who lived in the same city, and that was the end of it. I was investing for a life together, and she walked away for convenience sake. I guess I can't really blame her given her past, but my god it hurt and continues to hurt. Where were my feelings in that choice; were they so easy to dismiss because she didn't trust them or were they simply immaterial?
How many times in my life have I lost the woman I love over someone easier to be with, easier to take, less intense, whatever... I spent two years in therapy trying to figure out what I did wrong, what it is about me that drives away the women I love so often, and I never got an answer. There isn't anything really wrong with me, I simply expect too much out of others and myself. So here I am... another year gone by without real joy to add to the stack of years already lost to loving women who can't be bothered to meet me half-way. I just want all the pain to be worthwhile... somehow... somewhere... and soon before my heart hardens and is unable to ever break free of the pain...
I want so much to accept what I have and find joy in the future instead of longing for the past, but I can't make myself feel something that isn't here. I've had a few relationships on an off over the years, but really Andrea is the only one I felt the chemistry and bond that for me leads to love. I wish it wasn't so hard to find, that Kim or Andrea even understood how hard it is for me to find that, how much I long for it, how much I lost for their faithlessness and their need to run away from their past and the reflections of it they projected onto me.
If I can't have love in my life, if it is simply not appointed for me, why do I long for it so much? Why is it so much to ask for to be loved in return for the love I give, to be given a situation that isn't doomed from the start? I can honestly say that in the past two years, all I truly wanted was to be with Andrea, to have gainful employment and a love I could call my own. I didn't want to spend my life longing for the love I lost, for the women Kim was in the moments when she wasn't trying to push me away, for fame and fortune, for things beyond my reach. Andrea made me remember how much love I have to give, that my heart could feel more than bitterness and isolation, that I didn't want some perfect abstract angel, but the simple joys of a soulmate, a companion, someone with an investment in my life and mine in hers.
The sorrow I feel at losing yet another chance at real love is indescribable. It has been almost exactly a year since she walked away from me and yet I can't stop crying at the memory of being with her. I'll ignore it for months, try to put it behind me and simply accept that I'm alone again, and then some small detail will remind me of how much I hate life without her. I know we had only a few months of real full-time relationship, and only a few weekends a month for the next year, but I had put so much hope into it and it all came crashing down with a single phone call "I don't think we should see each other for a while..." She had found someone else who lived in the same city, and that was the end of it. I was investing for a life together, and she walked away for convenience sake. I guess I can't really blame her given her past, but my god it hurt and continues to hurt. Where were my feelings in that choice; were they so easy to dismiss because she didn't trust them or were they simply immaterial?
How many times in my life have I lost the woman I love over someone easier to be with, easier to take, less intense, whatever... I spent two years in therapy trying to figure out what I did wrong, what it is about me that drives away the women I love so often, and I never got an answer. There isn't anything really wrong with me, I simply expect too much out of others and myself. So here I am... another year gone by without real joy to add to the stack of years already lost to loving women who can't be bothered to meet me half-way. I just want all the pain to be worthwhile... somehow... somewhere... and soon before my heart hardens and is unable to ever break free of the pain...
