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Apr. 30th, 2003 11:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
walbournI have spent my life seeking to define myself on my own terms, throwing off labels and expectations and embracing the things that I truly enjoy. As a result, I both seem to fit many labels and yet I truly fit none, and though I have many circles in which to seek others of like mind, I'm always a bit of an outsider in them as well.
How can one find a soulmate to match one such as myself; when mine is so twisted and strange and pulled in a dozen different ways? In the loves of my life have been aspects of what I seek, and I realize there can be no true mirror nor perhaps should I attempt to find such. In Angela, I found someone else seeking their own path, living life with honest purpose, supporting and hard-working, longing for companionship and social connection. In Kim, I found a playfulness, a physical chemistry that was intoxicating, a fellow introvert wishing to be seen and valued for what they had to offer others. In Andrea, I found a keen intellect, a quirky perspective on the world, deep conviction to one's beliefs and expression of those morals and ethics through daily life, and someone who understood the darkness of a life-long depression and longing.
Yet in each of those relationships was the seed of it's own destruction. The freedom to redefine boundaries with Angela lead me to a place beyond finding a way to be happy together. The chemistry I felt with Kim reinforced her self-doubts and made her feel our relationship was about nothing but sex, and the very care-taking she longed for was resented. Andrea's darkness consumed all her hope and faith in me or my feelings for her, and her own fears whispered poison into everything I said or did.
I've blazed my own path for as long as I can remember. It has brought me through wind-swept mountains, green sunny fields, raging waters, peaceful glades, difficult climbs and into a desolate desert of isolation. There is no path that leads back to sweeter places known, no lasting companionship on the journey, with only the haziness of the future as I put one foot in front of the other hoping it will take me to a place love can flourish. I long for the rain, a deluge to bring spring to my desert, to claim me in the flood, or to wash away the dust that blocks my vision from better things ahead.
At each juncture I try to choose the path that is both right and honest, and put responsibility and investing for the long-term before immediate rewards. If only I could've been free to follow my heart and choose the life I felt was within my reach, yet by the time I am free to make that choice I've lost it. If only I had known how precious and short my time, I could've spent those treasured moments more fully. Yet, it was never for lack of intensity or earnestness or willingness to talk and work that I lost my love again and again.
If only they knew how precious my love for them was to me, although perhaps I didn't express it enough day-to-day. I don't give love falsely or quickly, and I don't feel that connection with many. I tried to integrate our relationship into the fabric of my life and not become someone else simply to reinforce a feeling of co-dependence and desire. For those loves than ran their course, I have found peace and tried to let the friendship remain. But to have love pulled from me based on fears, faithlessness, for lacking convenience, I have no impetus to let go the love at the core of my feelings for them.
I made a mistake by trying to hang on to Kim for so many years, but the nature of our relationship was always one of courting and reaching and longing. If the chance for resolution had presented itself, I was not ready or aware of it. Love with intensity and yet no outlet became bitterness when she left me for another, and even when that other relationship had faded and we were both single again she still never wanted me for more than brief comfort. Whatever drove her from my arms was always in play, and no amount of hope or wishing or effort would ever matter against her resolve, right or wrong in her perspective or assumptions. Only the safety of geography keeps reminders of that pain at bay, and I hope someday it will become simply a matter of fact and not a source of despair.
My love for Andrea has not diminished, but I have no way to reach her. Even if I were to see her face-to-face, the dark whispers in her mind would remain and continue to taint what little trust we might still have. Each day I work to accept that this is simply the way things are and will be, and try to forgive and forget as best I can. On occasion, I find myself longing for some news of her life, even if I must face the pain of replacement and the sure knowledge that someone else is allowed the comforts of her presence that I'm denied. Still, what difference does it really make; even if she were alone the same things that drove her to give up would still color any thought of me she may still have.
So I focus on the path ahead, try to seek distraction in friendships and hobbies, to let the wounds and scars of my heart heal and close as best they can, and focus on matters of finance and career instead. The truth is, I cannot feel meaning without love, but I have learned to go on and survive without it, though such an existance is cold and unpleasant.
How can one find a soulmate to match one such as myself; when mine is so twisted and strange and pulled in a dozen different ways? In the loves of my life have been aspects of what I seek, and I realize there can be no true mirror nor perhaps should I attempt to find such. In Angela, I found someone else seeking their own path, living life with honest purpose, supporting and hard-working, longing for companionship and social connection. In Kim, I found a playfulness, a physical chemistry that was intoxicating, a fellow introvert wishing to be seen and valued for what they had to offer others. In Andrea, I found a keen intellect, a quirky perspective on the world, deep conviction to one's beliefs and expression of those morals and ethics through daily life, and someone who understood the darkness of a life-long depression and longing.
Yet in each of those relationships was the seed of it's own destruction. The freedom to redefine boundaries with Angela lead me to a place beyond finding a way to be happy together. The chemistry I felt with Kim reinforced her self-doubts and made her feel our relationship was about nothing but sex, and the very care-taking she longed for was resented. Andrea's darkness consumed all her hope and faith in me or my feelings for her, and her own fears whispered poison into everything I said or did.
I've blazed my own path for as long as I can remember. It has brought me through wind-swept mountains, green sunny fields, raging waters, peaceful glades, difficult climbs and into a desolate desert of isolation. There is no path that leads back to sweeter places known, no lasting companionship on the journey, with only the haziness of the future as I put one foot in front of the other hoping it will take me to a place love can flourish. I long for the rain, a deluge to bring spring to my desert, to claim me in the flood, or to wash away the dust that blocks my vision from better things ahead.
At each juncture I try to choose the path that is both right and honest, and put responsibility and investing for the long-term before immediate rewards. If only I could've been free to follow my heart and choose the life I felt was within my reach, yet by the time I am free to make that choice I've lost it. If only I had known how precious and short my time, I could've spent those treasured moments more fully. Yet, it was never for lack of intensity or earnestness or willingness to talk and work that I lost my love again and again.
If only they knew how precious my love for them was to me, although perhaps I didn't express it enough day-to-day. I don't give love falsely or quickly, and I don't feel that connection with many. I tried to integrate our relationship into the fabric of my life and not become someone else simply to reinforce a feeling of co-dependence and desire. For those loves than ran their course, I have found peace and tried to let the friendship remain. But to have love pulled from me based on fears, faithlessness, for lacking convenience, I have no impetus to let go the love at the core of my feelings for them.
I made a mistake by trying to hang on to Kim for so many years, but the nature of our relationship was always one of courting and reaching and longing. If the chance for resolution had presented itself, I was not ready or aware of it. Love with intensity and yet no outlet became bitterness when she left me for another, and even when that other relationship had faded and we were both single again she still never wanted me for more than brief comfort. Whatever drove her from my arms was always in play, and no amount of hope or wishing or effort would ever matter against her resolve, right or wrong in her perspective or assumptions. Only the safety of geography keeps reminders of that pain at bay, and I hope someday it will become simply a matter of fact and not a source of despair.
My love for Andrea has not diminished, but I have no way to reach her. Even if I were to see her face-to-face, the dark whispers in her mind would remain and continue to taint what little trust we might still have. Each day I work to accept that this is simply the way things are and will be, and try to forgive and forget as best I can. On occasion, I find myself longing for some news of her life, even if I must face the pain of replacement and the sure knowledge that someone else is allowed the comforts of her presence that I'm denied. Still, what difference does it really make; even if she were alone the same things that drove her to give up would still color any thought of me she may still have.
So I focus on the path ahead, try to seek distraction in friendships and hobbies, to let the wounds and scars of my heart heal and close as best they can, and focus on matters of finance and career instead. The truth is, I cannot feel meaning without love, but I have learned to go on and survive without it, though such an existance is cold and unpleasant.
