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Sep. 26th, 2004 09:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
walbourn"I'm not exactly the king of letting things go..."
The dreams last night were pretty typical for the kind of crap my subconscious likes to dredge up on a regular basis. For someone who is a romantic at heart, living single for almost six years is pretty much a constant reminder of unfulfilled dreams. The first few years were spent trying to get the tight ball of pain around Kim to let go, and I really didn't want to make anyone else deal with it. I wish Andrea had been a bit more understanding when she and I started dating, but it played too easily into her own sense of worthlessness. Falling in love with her gave me hope of being able to actually move on, and the physical relocation 2300+ miles from all the old haunts really helped. Unfortunately, it also cost me the relationship with Andrea to do it in a way that actually involved being employed.
The years since have been spent trying to build a life in a place where I knew no one. Some people seem to find comfort in tearing up all their roots and starting over fresh, but it was the single hardest thing I've ever done. It didn't help that I was still in love with Kim--which in hindsight only resulted in her totally losing respect for me as person and didn't make the good impression one might hope. It didn't help that Andrea was 3+ hours away for the first year, and then she was totally unreachable.
The gig at Beep did help, and I'm grateful to have a good job now at Microsoft.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
loree was a fast friend and a great help through those first few lonely years, and things all-in-all are pretty good now. Still, I have no idea where a shared life could possible begin from here. I guess I just have to have hope, and do my best to focus on the here and now. I'm really enjoying the time jeliza and I have together, and it is wonderful to have her and her family as friends. I'm making good progress financially and hopefully I'll be able to finally settle down in a home of my own in the next year.
It occurred to me today that the reason I find my chick-rock musical tastes soothing is that many of them are stories told from the same perspective on love and relationships. So many of those songs are about trying to find a way to let go of what your heart believes is true when it clearly lost, and trying to find hope for the future. I guess it is just nice to be reminded that I'm not alone in my particular form of self-delusion and mental outlook.
The dreams last night were pretty typical for the kind of crap my subconscious likes to dredge up on a regular basis. For someone who is a romantic at heart, living single for almost six years is pretty much a constant reminder of unfulfilled dreams. The first few years were spent trying to get the tight ball of pain around Kim to let go, and I really didn't want to make anyone else deal with it. I wish Andrea had been a bit more understanding when she and I started dating, but it played too easily into her own sense of worthlessness. Falling in love with her gave me hope of being able to actually move on, and the physical relocation 2300+ miles from all the old haunts really helped. Unfortunately, it also cost me the relationship with Andrea to do it in a way that actually involved being employed.
The years since have been spent trying to build a life in a place where I knew no one. Some people seem to find comfort in tearing up all their roots and starting over fresh, but it was the single hardest thing I've ever done. It didn't help that I was still in love with Kim--which in hindsight only resulted in her totally losing respect for me as person and didn't make the good impression one might hope. It didn't help that Andrea was 3+ hours away for the first year, and then she was totally unreachable.
The gig at Beep did help, and I'm grateful to have a good job now at Microsoft.
loree was a fast friend and a great help through those first few lonely years, and things all-in-all are pretty good now. Still, I have no idea where a shared life could possible begin from here. I guess I just have to have hope, and do my best to focus on the here and now. I'm really enjoying the time jeliza and I have together, and it is wonderful to have her and her family as friends. I'm making good progress financially and hopefully I'll be able to finally settle down in a home of my own in the next year.It occurred to me today that the reason I find my chick-rock musical tastes soothing is that many of them are stories told from the same perspective on love and relationships. So many of those songs are about trying to find a way to let go of what your heart believes is true when it clearly lost, and trying to find hope for the future. I guess it is just nice to be reminded that I'm not alone in my particular form of self-delusion and mental outlook.
