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walbournI signed myself up to help with a gameday today, and I never sleep well or deeply when I have to get up early in the morning. I can still try for another two hours sleep before I need to get up, but I just woke up with a start from a dream.
It was surreal in the way that dreams are. Images of sitting next to Jonathon Frakes watching some whacky show that pretended to an episode of ST:TNG that wasn't are still fresh. Then I was with Andrea... running around a house trying to do a few things before I was supposed to take her home. We weren't together as a couple, just that uncomfortable 'trying to be friends' kind of thing that I went through with Kim for years on end. More surreal dream-land images: I was using a dishwasher to heat a cup of water for tea.
Andrea was saying something about having to get going soon, and I was distracted by trying to finish cleaning up some mess I made--more strangeness: frozen spilt water in a freezer, trying to melt with the hot water I just made for tea... She was in the other room and I distinctly remember this exchange in response to something she said.
Then I start awake...
I've had similar dreams for years. My childish self struggles with that question constantly, and it is a terribly upsetting question with no answer. When I was a teenager I used to think "If I find someone to love, I won't be alone." But that isn't true. Hell, I love a lot of women, in love with them in different ways. Yet not one of them is here. They aren't free to be with me, or don't want to be, or I no longer love them in the way that I'd want that kind of intimacy with them.
So my heart still asks: "Why? Why am I alone? Why can't I move on when so many others that once loved me have?"
There was a time not long ago that I'd wake up from such a dream, unable to control the urge to cry. I felt that same crushing pain when a year or so ago I IM'd Kim to say "hi" and she mentioned off-hand that she had a live-in partner. Now, while my eyes are a little teary, I'm not terribly upset. My life here is good. I have![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jeliza in my life even if our actual time together is greatly limited. I have a rewarding career, good friends, Seattle is home. Still, that sense of security doesn't reach to my subconscious to quiet the memories and questioning.
Anyhow, guess it is back to bed for a bit...
It was surreal in the way that dreams are. Images of sitting next to Jonathon Frakes watching some whacky show that pretended to an episode of ST:TNG that wasn't are still fresh. Then I was with Andrea... running around a house trying to do a few things before I was supposed to take her home. We weren't together as a couple, just that uncomfortable 'trying to be friends' kind of thing that I went through with Kim for years on end. More surreal dream-land images: I was using a dishwasher to heat a cup of water for tea.
Andrea was saying something about having to get going soon, and I was distracted by trying to finish cleaning up some mess I made--more strangeness: frozen spilt water in a freezer, trying to melt with the hot water I just made for tea... She was in the other room and I distinctly remember this exchange in response to something she said.
(me) "Well, I don't pretend to know what it is you want."
(dream-Andrea) "It isn't me. It's my husband."
(me, a confused) "Husband? You have a husband."
(dream-Andrea) "Yeah. Husband. Life-partner."
(me, emotionally caught off-guard) "Why does everyone else have a partner and I'm alone?"
Then I start awake...
I've had similar dreams for years. My childish self struggles with that question constantly, and it is a terribly upsetting question with no answer. When I was a teenager I used to think "If I find someone to love, I won't be alone." But that isn't true. Hell, I love a lot of women, in love with them in different ways. Yet not one of them is here. They aren't free to be with me, or don't want to be, or I no longer love them in the way that I'd want that kind of intimacy with them.
So my heart still asks: "Why? Why am I alone? Why can't I move on when so many others that once loved me have?"
There was a time not long ago that I'd wake up from such a dream, unable to control the urge to cry. I felt that same crushing pain when a year or so ago I IM'd Kim to say "hi" and she mentioned off-hand that she had a live-in partner. Now, while my eyes are a little teary, I'm not terribly upset. My life here is good. I have
jeliza in my life even if our actual time together is greatly limited. I have a rewarding career, good friends, Seattle is home. Still, that sense of security doesn't reach to my subconscious to quiet the memories and questioning.Anyhow, guess it is back to bed for a bit...
