Terribly amusing entries from Brunching Shuttlecock's
Book of Ratings via
mielikki:
Elements (
part 1 part 2 part 3)
MercuryThe cruelest metal. With its hypnotic liquidity, it begs you to run it over your hand, see if flow across your skin. And of course, if you do, you end up in the moron ward of your local hospital. It's as if God, having finished the whole Forbidden Fruit of Knowledge affair, turned to the transition metals for more work in the same motif. C+
D&D Monsters (
part 1 part 2 part 3)
BeholderThe biggest disappointment in the D&D movie (a phrase equivalent to "the dustiest end table in Pompeii") was the five seconds of CGI beholder action in which this eleven hit-die aberration is fooled by the old "throw a pebble" trick. Ooh, I'm angry. Beholders are much cooler than that. Their array of eyes is a veritable snack machine of doom, provided said snack machine was stocked with deadly magic rays. And Funyuns. Gotta have Funyuns. Add to that skin that made "chitinous plates" a household name, the ability to fly, and a standard-issue toothy maw and you've got experience points that you've got to earn the fuck out of. A+