(no subject)

I think it is a bad thing that I identify with the sentiments expressed in Dido's new song, White Flag. As jeliza says, the song is fairly terrifying in terms of mental health considering the age of the singer. On the one hand there is some nobility in not turning your back on a love you feel and not trying to run from it when things are bad. On the other, I have "gone down with this ship" and believe me there isn't much to be gained beyond whatever is in your own head. I guess it is some sign of progress that I can recognize that the sentiment expressed in the song is not necessarily something to emulate. I think having polyamorous leanings makes for a different read to the idea of still being in love with someone. At least there is hope for room in your life for love again even with those feelings still in your heart. Of course it also means you can feel the same unresolvable longing about two different people at the same time.

I went to bed last night at around 10pm because I've had a long week and woke up at 7:40am this morning from a series of vivid dreams. It is ironic that one of the reasons I moved 2300 miles was to get away from reminders of Kim and the heartbreak she inspired, and yet I still have dreams about running into her and having to deal with the reminders of replacement. I accept that she has a full-time live-in lover and has for years, that she never seriously considered me a real possibility for such a relationship, that she could be married and have the family she used to want, and so on. I'm trying to accept that there is no real reason for the outcome, it just is the result of a few key choices made six years ago, and no amount of self-flagellation will give me any answers or make the pain more bearable. For the most part, I just try to keep busy and not let myself think about it nearly as much as I used to.

At least I feel well-rested, I have a full weekend of fun stuff to do, and good company to do it with...