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Feb. 24th, 2003 11:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
walbournSeems like my life has become a constant search for distraction. I spent years in a deep depression, and I don't want to fall back into that abyss. Too much free time to think inevitably results in dwelling on the past and the frustrations I feel with the place I am today. I still feel really isolated... things are getting better but so damn slowly.
Another birthday coming up soon, and I guess it is hard not to reflect on another year gone by. This time last year I still had hope that things with Andrea would work out. I was able to look forward to being with someone I loved and who loved me for a b-day dinner, and continuing to invest in a relationship that made me happy. The long-distance situation with her living in Portland stunk, but the realities of both of our careers--and a crappy economic situation--forced that distance on us.
I wish we had more than four months of dating in Austin before she moved to work at Intel... even that time was pretty limited with her working so hard to finish up her thesis. I guess our relationship was always defined by minimal visitation time, and Andrea putting herself through maximum stress (first school, then work). I realize in retrospect putting up with the long-distance situation was too much to ask given her personal history and our short time together, but as always I tried to put my faith in the relationship and work for the best possible outcome. I just hope I can find the strength in myself to keep doing that, and maybe someday that bet will pay off...
At least I've finally stopped dwelling on my life back in Austin. I miss a lot of things, and people, and good times. The truth is that nothing short of a move was going to get me out of the emotional rut I was in. It worked, I just hope the cure isn't worse than the disease.
Another birthday coming up soon, and I guess it is hard not to reflect on another year gone by. This time last year I still had hope that things with Andrea would work out. I was able to look forward to being with someone I loved and who loved me for a b-day dinner, and continuing to invest in a relationship that made me happy. The long-distance situation with her living in Portland stunk, but the realities of both of our careers--and a crappy economic situation--forced that distance on us.
I wish we had more than four months of dating in Austin before she moved to work at Intel... even that time was pretty limited with her working so hard to finish up her thesis. I guess our relationship was always defined by minimal visitation time, and Andrea putting herself through maximum stress (first school, then work). I realize in retrospect putting up with the long-distance situation was too much to ask given her personal history and our short time together, but as always I tried to put my faith in the relationship and work for the best possible outcome. I just hope I can find the strength in myself to keep doing that, and maybe someday that bet will pay off...
At least I've finally stopped dwelling on my life back in Austin. I miss a lot of things, and people, and good times. The truth is that nothing short of a move was going to get me out of the emotional rut I was in. It worked, I just hope the cure isn't worse than the disease.
