walbourn | Navel Gazing

tara_firma was mentioning Monday night as I was driving her back to her car that a number of her LJ friends, including myself, have stopped putting as much personal stuff into their entries. I post about travel, work, friends, etc. but not so much about my love life, introspective angst, and so on these days.

Part of that is reflective of the fact that I'm just not as depressed and lonely as I was when I started my journal in February 2003. Andrea and I had split 10 months earlier, and

loree was really my only close friend here in Seattle. Looking back on my calendar, I spent a stupendous about of my free time gaming just to keep busy and not give into my lingering sadness over Kim and the additional sadness of the particular messiness of the way Andrea ended our relationship. I had a few short-lived relationships after that, but none of them really clicked and probably hurt more than helped the heartache.

jeliza and I started dating that summer and while we've never managed much more time than once a week or so, it's been immensely comforting and healing to have someone in my life with whom I have a genuine chemistry. Our dates aren't filled with romantic dining and outings as much as sitting around the house playing games together on the Xbox, watching Monty Python, taking long baths, and usually getting a full night's sleep. Frankly it's wonderful to have someone to be companionable with on a regular basis and three years is a long time by any reckoning.

I also focused more on making friends locally rather than spending so much time traveling for gaming and down in Tacoma. Getting out of Sierra and finding a more rewarding job at Microsoft has also helped greatly in terms of my day-to-day mood. The money doesn't suck either, and it really helped getting out of debt. I'm still on my own much of the time, spending the majority of my evenings alone, but I'm more at peace.

I felt a breakthrough a few years back when I realized that I could really relax and not feel like crying, which I felt like and often did for most of 1998 through 2003. Still, Kim's ghost weighs on me.

loree can attest how much news of her upsets me even years after, but it's no longer a daily struggle. I hate that I still have occasional dreams about her, and frankly I think my subconscious just uses her as a symbol more than I miss the girl in particular. Even her ghost is immensely distant and cold. There are still little details of life that remind me of Kim, of my ex-wife Angela, of Andrea, of the many lives I wanted to lead but lost somewhere along the way.

On occasion I have a bad day and think about writing an entry about it, but frankly I'm tired of dwelling on the loves I feel but can't ever enjoy. Putting the time into writing about it seems like putting even more energy into a lost cause, so I try to let the urge pass and do something else with the time. I'm sorry if that seems like I'm pulling away from old friends here, but it's probably a healthier choice.

I also haven't felt like I'm on any kind of path to something wonderful and romantic and worth getting all worked up about in many years. I've had head-over-heels love and it kicked my ass. Many times. My dreams are no longer so grand. I simply want to be happy for a day, a week, a month, have a friend to share the time with, and be able to sleep soundly at night.