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Seeing Ghosts
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juliarandolph and danamongden at the children's hospital this morning--their son was having trouble keeping food down so he is in for observation and feeding--I met happytester and Micahel for lunch. I had a few errands to finish up so after excellent migas at Trudy's I did a bit of shopping. When it was all said and done, I had a few hours to kill before my dinner plans and I decided to spend them outside given that tomorrow's weather is supposed to turn decidely winter--it has been mid 70s and clear so far this week.
I ended up at the Arboretum, which I knew had a great look-out over the hill country to watch the sunset. The place of course also has more that its fair share of ghosts but then so does most of Austin. As I was getting out of the car, I saw a woman in the Restoration Hardware store that looked like Kim and I felt a rush of panic. After a few minutes, it became clear that it wasn't Kim, just someone with a similiar mannerisms and look at a distance.
And that pretty much sums up why it was a good thing I moved 2300 miles away. The possibility of a chance encounter kept playing in my mind, and I at once both longed to see her and knew it would never be anything but another stab in the heart. Its the price one pays for being in love with a ghost: they can appear anywhere, will never bring a moment of joy, and only serve as a constant reminder of loss. I felt that need again for someone who just doesn't exist and I feel so stupid for having such a strong reaction seven years after she dumped me and over three years since I said my last goodbye.
But in truth, I never had any idea how to let her go. A real person can disappoint you, but a ghost never changes. The only closure you can ever find is within yourself. With Kim, the last thing I ever wanted in the world was to lose her love, her trust, her desire, and her faith in our relationship. Yet that was exactly what was taken from me, and exactly what I needed to let go.
I want so much to move on, to focus on the joys that life has to offer rather than the cost of past choices, but it can be a struggle to overcome the desire to bring meaning to meaningless suffering. Part of me still wants my love for Kim to have been worth something to her, but I doubt anything is worth the pain I've put myself through in the misguided and foolish attempt.
Live and learn I suppose. Live and learn.
juliarandolph and danamongden at the children's hospital this morning--their son was having trouble keeping food down so he is in for observation and feeding--I met happytester and Micahel for lunch. I had a few errands to finish up so after excellent migas at Trudy's I did a bit of shopping. When it was all said and done, I had a few hours to kill before my dinner plans and I decided to spend them outside given that tomorrow's weather is supposed to turn decidely winter--it has been mid 70s and clear so far this week.I ended up at the Arboretum, which I knew had a great look-out over the hill country to watch the sunset. The place of course also has more that its fair share of ghosts but then so does most of Austin. As I was getting out of the car, I saw a woman in the Restoration Hardware store that looked like Kim and I felt a rush of panic. After a few minutes, it became clear that it wasn't Kim, just someone with a similiar mannerisms and look at a distance.
And that pretty much sums up why it was a good thing I moved 2300 miles away. The possibility of a chance encounter kept playing in my mind, and I at once both longed to see her and knew it would never be anything but another stab in the heart. Its the price one pays for being in love with a ghost: they can appear anywhere, will never bring a moment of joy, and only serve as a constant reminder of loss. I felt that need again for someone who just doesn't exist and I feel so stupid for having such a strong reaction seven years after she dumped me and over three years since I said my last goodbye.
But in truth, I never had any idea how to let her go. A real person can disappoint you, but a ghost never changes. The only closure you can ever find is within yourself. With Kim, the last thing I ever wanted in the world was to lose her love, her trust, her desire, and her faith in our relationship. Yet that was exactly what was taken from me, and exactly what I needed to let go.
I want so much to move on, to focus on the joys that life has to offer rather than the cost of past choices, but it can be a struggle to overcome the desire to bring meaning to meaningless suffering. Part of me still wants my love for Kim to have been worth something to her, but I doubt anything is worth the pain I've put myself through in the misguided and foolish attempt.
Live and learn I suppose. Live and learn.